Strategies for Coping

Adjusting to our loss and coping with grief takes time and effort. The following are ideas that may help grieving people as they learn to live with the loss of someone very loved and missed.

Rituals

A ritual can be anything we do to remember and honor a loved one. It can be done once or it can be something we do regularly. A ritual is simply a structured time of remembrance, and therefore can be whatever we need it to be. It can be done by an individual, a few people or a large group – there are no rules for rituals.

Three boys lost their grandmother in a sudden accident on a Friday afternoon. Each Friday at about the time of the accident, the family lit a candle and let it burn for about an hour. It was a quiet reminder of a person that was loved and remembered by three boys. The ritual went on for several weeks, until the candle was gone.

Some families plant trees or rose bushes in honor of their loved one. Visiting the cemetery on a birthday or anniversary can be a ritual. Sitting together weekly and sharing memories is a ritual, and so is quietly writing in a Memories Journal. Prayer can be a ritual, and so can a morning walk.

Rituals provide comfort as we consciously remember and honor our loved one. They can be structured around "letting go," such as the release of balloons at a memorial service, or the ritual can be about creating something that will serve as a continuing reminder of the loved one, such as a garden. A ritual can also be something that we do simply to rest our minds on the one who has died, such as the lighting of a candle or a silent mediation. It is the meaning that we give the activity that makes it a ritual.

Expression

Grief causes such a tumble of thoughts and feelings that we can easily be overwhelmed. For many people, expressing what they are thinking and feeling helps keep grief from becoming too overwhelming. Sharing our grief will not make it go away, but for many, it does seem to help.

There are many ways to express grief. Some people find comfort in talking about the person who died and/or how they are coping with the loss. Others find it useful to express their thoughts and feelings in a journal, and some find art, poetry, prayer, and/or singing to be helpful. There is no one correct way to express the thoughts and feelings associated with grief.

Patience

Grief takes time, and it is hard work. Although the injury is not a physical one, the death of a loved one is significant injury that will need time to heal. We need patience throughout the grief process. We need to be patient with ourselves when we discover that the usual activities are too much for us right now. We will be okay again, but not right away because healing takes time.

Knowledge

The experience of grief causes some people to worry that they are going crazy or losing their mind. It is true that many of the normal symptoms of grief are disturbing, but knowing that these emotions, thoughts and even behaviors are normal can help a grieving person. Learning about grief is the best way to understand the broad range of normal reactions, and this knowledge can be very reassuring.

There are many excellent books about grief at most libraries and bookstores. Local hospice programs and hospitals may also maintain a variety of written material about grief. The internet is a wonderful source of grief information, and using a search engine such as Google to search for the terms "grief" and "bereavement" will yield many helpful websites. Organizations such as the Compassionate Friends, AARP or American Cancer Society may also have useful written information about grief.

Although understanding normal grief will not make the sorrow go away, knowledge can help make the process of grief a little easier to bear.

Support Groups

Many bereaved adults and children find comfort in talking with others who have had similar experiences. There are a variety of support groups that offer grieving people the chance to meet with others who have experienced a significant loss.

A Day at a Time

Contemplating living a life without the presence of the one who died can seem overwhelming and perhaps even impossible. It can be very helpful to live just for this day, and not further burden ourselves by imagining the future without the person we love. A focus on living just for today can help grief seem more manageable.

Learn from the Past

Most of us have experienced losses before, although perhaps not as profound or significant as the death we now mourn. It can be helpful to reflect on our past experience with loss and consider what helped so that we can do similar things now. The experience we have had successfully handling loss in the past can guide us in the present.

Take Care of Yourself (and let others help!)

Grief is exhausting work and it is critical that we take care of ourselves in all ways. It is important to eat properly, get enough sleep and even to exercise, which can be very helpful in decreasing depression. Remember that the death of a loved one is a significant emotional blow, and therefore our hearts need time to heal. This is not the best time to take on extra responsibilities and in fact, it is a good time to let others help us out as much as possible.

Create a New Normal

Some people have found it helpful to get back into the routine of everyday life. At first it seems terribly wrong to act as if things are normal when they are not but as one person reflected about her own grief experience, "when you start "acting" like things are normal, at some point your acting job becomes your new sense of normal.

Honor Your Loved One

Many people find great comfort in doing something to honor their loved one. For example, some people start scholarships, others plant tress, some get involved in causes and organizations, and there is even a bicycle race in Salt Lake that is named in honor of a man who died of melanoma. One family lobbied for their deceased son to receive an honorary high school diploma and as a result of their efforts, the high school will now offer honorary diplomas to the families of all students who have died during their high school years. There are endless ways to honor a loved one, and finding a special way to honor a loved one is very comforting for many families.

Be Sensitive to "Firsts"

The first year after the death of a loved one is filled with "firsts".; The first birthday, the first holiday and even the first anniversary will likely be challenging days for the entire family. Preparing for these days can be very helpful. For example, a family could decide in advance how to celebrate the birthday of a loved one who has died. Knowing that the "firsts" will likely be difficult provides an opportunity for family members to prepare for those days in ways that best meet their needs.