A Friend Dies: How to Help the One Left Behind

I wrote this on April 7, 2020 when a member of our community unexpectedly died, leaving behind his heartbroken wife, Kris, and so many of us who wanted to help, to do something.

Clark Osojnicki — the husband of one of my closest and longest friends — lost the rest of his wonderful lifetime to Covid-19 yesterday.

Did you hear the shattering as he was transformed from a beloved member of a family and community to a pandemic statistic?

Did a shard from my friend’s stunned and broken soul land on you?

Oh, how I wish I had the Magic Wand.

But I don’t.

All I have is words.

Inadequate words.

But maybe words that can help all of us as we navigate helping Kris as she discovers — over and over and over — that her nightmare is real.

She is not asleep. He is gone. Really gone. And not coming back.

What she has left is us.

And yes — we are also inadequate. Imperfect. Scared. Heartbroken.

But we are what she has, and so let’s do this awful thing — together.

My expertise — if any of us can really be experts in anything — is grief and loss. Therefore — and because I know he would want her wrapped in our love and support — I offer these ideas for what to do when you hear the news.

And may I just add that I cannot believe I am writing these words?

Caring for Her Shattered Heart: An Informed How-to List

  1. Send things — meals, gift cards, memories, photos, gifts, sympathy cards, messages, and so on. If something tangible — do it anonymously to spare her the burden of thank-you-note-guilt, or clearly communicate, “no acknowledgement wanted — this is about you.”

  2. Your grief matters — hers matters more. Let’s keep the focus where he would want: On helping her.

  3. Don’t ask her those nosy questions. It doesn’t matter.

  4. Be very careful not to need anything from the one who has nothing left to give. It is not your turn to need answers, reassurances, comfort, or support.

  5. NO PLATITUDES. If your sentence is going to start with, “At least…” — just stop.

  6. Related — there is not a silver lining. None. Don’t leave her to go off looking for one. This is just awful. Stay with her in the Dark Place.

  7. She will need ongoing support — do not forget her shattered heart in a few weeks because that is actually when shit will get real and she will need us more.

  8. It is not fair to ask a bereaved person how you can help or tell her to let you know if she needs anything. Bereaved people can barely think straight. They cannot be expected to marshal their own grief support. Instead — just do something.

  9. Sufficient unto the day. Help her stay in this current moment. Don’t ask her to speculate or plan or make any decisions that can wait. And trust me — almost everything can (and should) wait.

  10. “I don’t want to live without him.” “Why did this happen?” “I should have done more, been more.” Understand these kinds of things as expressions of pain and sorrow — not a request for answers or action. Respond to the pain. Stay with the pain. You do not have her answers.

  11. Show up. Listen. Care. Know there are no perfect words. Say how sorry you are. Go ahead and bumble it. Your love and support will shine through.